StandingWater Creations

Today is Monday. I know this because yesterday I got up, showered, shaved (not a daily habit even though I despise facial hair), and went to church. I knot today is Monday because I woke up this morning and could still take a test (though intentionally late). I know it is Monday because it feels like the weight of the world is resettling on my shoulders.

This is what happens on Monday's:

I wake up.
I dress.
I eat.
I go to school.
I try to remember what it was we were doing in classes.
I go to work.
I take tests.
I go home.

I guess I sometimes wonder if my attitude is the result of the time spent at BYU or the time spent in Provo or the time spent in Utah.

Lately, I've found myself very unhappy with life in Provo. I don't like to drive around town. If the weekend comes, I am more happy to a) leave town, or b) not leave the house at all. When I can be convinced that I need to leave the house and go to the store, the mall, CostCo, or wherever, I generally find the impact of people all around me rather tedious and hard to deal with.

At Christmas-time, I intentionally ordered the majority of the gifts that were given (Erin and my parents in case anyone was curious) online. I didn't have to leave the house or the office (old job at that point). I didn't have to deal with the mass of people that seem to congregate all in the same places at exactly the same time. When Erin's parents showed up, I did have to ride around with her dad and show him where to buy presents, but that was an exception. I did not drive and I only made suggestions.

Most of the Christmas shopping was done by Erin and her parents, sans me.

Yes, I am a grumpy person when it comes to crowds. If you know me, you know, in advance, that I don't like them. I get all weird in large groups of people. This is why it took marrying Erin to get me to go see a general session of the LDS Conference live even though I live about 40 minutes away. This is also why I don't go to forums and assemblies on campus and why I won't be attending my own graduation.

As a result of interacting with the students on campus, I have taken to wearing my iPod everywhere I walk and listening to music. Yes. I would rather listen to music than listen to people talk about inane topics. It grew to a head when I heard a couple of guys in a conversation. The conversation, essentially:

First guy, "We've been on several dates."
Second guy, "So? Are you gonna, you know..."
First guy, "I don't know. She's started canceling our plans lately."
Second guy, "Well, whatcha gonna do?"
First guy, "She does it again and I think I'm going to have to DTR her."
Second guy, "Wow. I think you should."

At that point I stopped walking at a speed I could hear them. However, DTR (Define The Relationship), church yesterday, class, how to take advantage of someone, your weekend, my weekend, the color of her outfit, and etc. are all topics I am not (at all) interested in hearing. People have a tendency to speak very loudly and so that everyone (including the dead) can hear the conversation.

It used to be that I was just disgruntled by Provo. This was years ago, before I moved back here to go to school and spend a large portion of my time on campus. I am still that way, but I knew that if I moved somewhere a little more sane, a lot less enthusiastic about being Mormon, I was generally okay. I like my religion, it just feels as though people in "Happy Valley" are a little more serious about the religion than in other places in the state.

I sense, though, that moving within this state is not going to fix me, this time. I need something more. I need to be somewhere else.

You see, there are bandaids that exist, the IKEA's of the world, the ability to hide in our little apartment (Erin and me), the draw to various attractions, natural wonders, and the beauty of the state; but all of that seems to pale in comparison to my actually being here. Yes. You heard that correctly. The things that might draw me to Utah, to this state, pale when you compare them against my actually being here.

This is not an indictment on Utah or on the people here. You can live your lives in any way you see fit. However, as my dislike and disenfranchisement with the state, the city, and even the school I am attending is reaching a rather interesting level, I can only say this:

When I am able to leave as a result of my graduating and finding work outside of the state of Utah, I will leave.

Yup. I am going to move. I am going to pack up Erin, the as-yet-unnamed and gendered child, and leave the state. Whether I go directly into the next stage of education OR we follow a different plan, I am leaving. Utah no longer supports what I am looking for or what I want to accomplish.

We may go to New England.

We may throw a dart at a world map and find a way to go to wherever it lands (excluding Idaho).

We may become Bedouins, roaming the developed plains of the United States (avoiding Utah and Idaho), but regardless of what we may do... we are leaving the state.

Now, for your reading pleasure and to further illustrate the temperament of the State of Utah, of Provo, and of BYU I copy, from The Daily Universe, a Letter to the Editor:

Chill Out

My name is Nathan. You have probably seen me standing outside wearing my cloak. Until recently it was my habit to stand around and sing in between classes to amuse myself. It struck me as a fairly harmless activity that, while a bit unusual, was nevertheless rather mundane. Furthermore, I had gotten only pleasant comments from the passers by.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I was stopped by a policeman who had gotten a call from someone about me. He told me it was well within my rights as a BYU student to stand outside in the cold and sing in between classes. I found the incident amusing and, though I thought the whole matter a little strange, continued my singing. What I found less amusing was the police officer stopping by approximately a week later to tell me that I had to stop, that I was disturbing the peace, and that I would be issued a citation if I continued. Needless to say, I no longer sing outside at BYU.

Why am I going to the trouble of writing this? Because I find the whole incident greatly troubling. First, it seems wrong for a student at BYU to be stopped from doing something D&C 25:12 calls a prayer. More than that, however, I am disturbed by the way in which my singing was handled. I am bothered by the fact that whoever had something against my singing called the police instead of heeding the advice in D&C 42:88 to talk to me by myself.

I am also bothered by the fact that BYU police seem to value the appeasement of a small but vocal minority over any actual laws or rules (which, I remind the reader, I was specifically told I was not breaking). And I am also somewhat bothered by the fact that this whole incident has worked to support the valuing of conformity over tolerance. In short, I think that some BYU students need to chill and I think that the BYU police need to grow a spine.

--name withheld

I have seen this guy and thought about telling him to shut up. I chose not to. Instead I use my iPod.

My point in all this is that I am tired of what is happening around me and I have the right to make a change (when my task is complete). I am telling the world, you all, that I plan to make that change.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

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