Little Girl Queen Bees
I was looking at the BYU website, I do that occasionally as I will be attending there, and came across a study that is receiving some attention done by a professor at BYU. Basically, the study takes the ideas from "Queen Bees and Wannabe's," to a new level. That of the preschool child. Apparently the studies that support "Queen Bees" was conducted on girls starting at about age eight and illustrated how they interacted with people around them. The socially manipulative tactics used by teenage girls, perfected, it would appear, over a lifetime actually begin at a much earlier age than previously thought.
The reason I am talking about this is because I find it interesting that the very nature of interpersonal relationships between people, between girls, starts at such a young age. According to the BYU study ages four and five. And that these techniques are rather highly developed in these little girls.
Some indicators of little girls showing tendencies toward being a Queen Bee are:
• Not allowing specific children to play in a group.
• Demanding other children not play with a specific child.
• Threatening to not play with a child unless certain needs/demands are met.
• Refusing to listen to someone they are mad at (the aggressive child may even cover their ears).
If you are really interested this information can be found here through BYU's website.
However, the point isn't that children can be mean, but rather that these tendencies move with children into teen years and on up through the adult cycle. I find it humorous, in a very disturbing way, to see the tendencies of children playing out in their adult selves. It is even more disturbing considering that many adults will do almost the same thing they did as children and believe they are being mature about what is going on. I would imagine, whether I realize it or not, that I am guilty of a lot of juvenile acting. I am sure there are things that, if you knew the little me, you would see in the adult me. Idiosyncrasies that transcend time and experience. I would also imagine that not all of these idiosyncrasies are bad.
However, it becomes more disturbing when, in a work environment, you encounter playground tactics. If you don't do what I say I will tell the teacher (manager) on you. I've had that happen to me, except they dropped the "tattle-tell" portion of the playground. And they talked to the management. It was as though I'd never left elementary school (not that I have any active memories of the place outside of the color of the walls) when someone can't speak in such a way as to politely get their point across and then, because you aren't willing to be yelled at or belittled, they take it to someone else to handle their problems.
There's just something about a coworker, someone in their late twenties or early thirties resorting to tactics that were best left never learned. Certainly, it is important to learn how to interact with people, but the way it is done, the manipulation when you don't get your way, just seems so juvenile. I'm not happy with it.
The question I have is: Are we doing something wrong or is there another factor that influences, primarily little girls, to manipulate the people around them?
I have a niece that I watched follow a lot of these same tactics with the other children in her neighborhood. It was disturbing and as I watched it I wondered if her mother had something to do with her behavior (the mother as silent observer) or if it had something to do with the nature of the relationships between the children around the block. Watching that is a bit disturbing in part, because, when I watched this I had a pretty clear view of the interactions due to where I was living - in the same house. And my niece was the one manipulating the neighborhood boys and girls. Watch out parents, she's going to be a live one.
Not long after I lived with that family I lived with and helped out a couple of friends by watching their two daughters whenever it was needed. Granted, my niece was a lot closer to this age group when I lived with her family, but my friends oldest daughter also showed signs of manipulative behavior. Not the refined signs of covering ears or manipulating her friends and little sister to do what she wanted, but certainly the first steps to covering her ears and manipulating the little friends from church and others. She wanted to be in charge and the center of attention. This little girl is both a born leader and someone who is predisposed to do what she wants. Admittedly, though not to the extreme of my niece, it was interesting to watch because her parents were very conscienscios of her growing up normal and well-adjusted. She didn't get away with screaming, didn't get away with running all of the show, and had to learn to share.
One of her sharing experiences included trying to put stickers on me and when she was told, "We don't do that," code for, "No," she did it to her little sister who liked the stickers so much she didn't want to give them back. They raced around the basement for over an hour until the older girl got most of the stickers back from the younger, but the younger liked that she was a participant in the fun. She'd run when it was clear the stickers were about to go somewhere else. It was fun to watch. The interaction was non-manipulative and the girls laughed a lot.
However, the outcome to relationships is that little girls grow up manipulating people. Adult women tend to manipulate people. I have deemed married women with children who are members of the LDS church as members of the "Triple M" or MMM. That stands for Mormon Mother Mafia. It's this non-existent, potentially fictional, organization where mothers have the ability to manipulate the men around them. I was hit with this a couple of times by various friends' wives and when I realized what was happening put a stop to it (which made a lot of people mad - many not knowing why they were - mad at me); and yet, it happens. It's almost a genetic thing. But it cannot be a genetic thing because not every little girl becomes overtly manipulative (though try to convince me that not all mother's are manipulative and you will have troubles in River City).
Which leads back to work. The women I sit near do this. They manipulate the men around them. If they think a smile and a little flirting will get them what they want then they smile and flirt. If they think being motherly will get them what they want they begin to mother. If nothing else works they get mad and start to berate and when that doesn't work they complain to someone else. There are many levels of manipulation. They make it an issue for the job to deal with or a notion of positive/negative work environments rather than a matter between two alleged adults.
Not everyone is going to be liked. I sometimes wish it were different. There are some girls, in the past, I really wanted to like me. People have different tendencies, different temperaments. This happens. I tend to have a long term view of most people when I meet them. Is this someone I would want to get to know? Is it someone I will continue to know for a long time. My friends in New Hampshire are long term friends. My family are long term relationships. I have many other friends that are long term relationships. But work, work is a place where you find a lot of short term, for the time being, relationships. Today's work environment would suggest that one individual will not remain with one company for a long time. I don't mix my personal life and my work life very often and as such don't view most people as someone I want to continue knowing when I move on or when they move on. Relationships require work and not everyone deserves the same effort.
Regardless of the work environment (team oriented, non-team oriented) I can get along with anyone; this does not mean I want to get along with just anyone. That would be foolish to assume. Since I am looking down the road two, four, eight years on the relationship I'm not so interested in who the person is, but rather in who the person may become. Many of my relationships with people are because I want to see what they will become and because I sense that this is someone I can associate with.
So, where do manipulative techniques come into play?
If you have to force me to like you than you have forced me not to like you. If you have to force me to interact with you, you've chosen the course I am more likely to take. I am not going to follow where you lead nor am I likely to walk where you tell me to. My actions will be somewhat reflective of what you demand right now and as a result of that, chances are, the manipulative person will be discounted not because they aren't worth knowing, rather because they aren't honestly looking at the relationship beyond what they want right now.
I've found it interesting to read studies where the manipulation in relationships, the qualities that make the Queen Bees as opposed to the Wannabe's, starts at such a young age. I also find it disturbing to think that the way some people are now began at age four or five. This would suggest that at an early age parents who want "nice" children should be watching for the signs of manipulation from an early age.
I guess, at the same time, parents who want a manipulative, popular child can coach them on the techniques that will garner them the popularity that is craved.