Figting Ambiguity
I made a coworker mad today. And when I say mad, I mean, had she the opportunity and proper motivation I am pretty certain she would've reached over and slapped me even though she was the one pushing what was going on. All I did was look at her, listen (can't say I heard a whole lot), and then agree - emphatically - with the very point she was trying to make. Once again, it appears that my nature has won out over any semblance of propriety that was bred into me. This certainly isn't because my parents raised me to act the way I do... or did they?
The issue dealt with my confidence in what I do. What does that mean? You may be asking. Well, let me tell you. When I know something you know I know it if it is important to the task at hand. This does not mean I go out of my way to share everything I know with people. My favorite thing to tell people is that I know nothing, have no talents, and no skills whatsoever. It makes some people mad. Causes others to role their eyes. And causes me to get a pretty good chuckle out of the interaction.
However, today, which reminded me of Donald Sutherlands character in Kelly's Heroes - Oddball, I was informed that there was a lot of negative energy that seemed to flow whenever I started messing around with the people in my training group who, coincidentally, sit around me. In short, when inside jokes start to fly the chick from over the ocean and past the equator does't like it and feels the negative waves, man.
At the same time, I am not saying I am right in my actions, but to hear her lecture me as though I were a little boy didn't really sit well with me (she's married). Especially as she sat there and prefaced a lot of her comments with, "I come from a place where we are all very sarcastic..." and then proceeded to lay into me about some of my attitudes.
Like I said, I listened and then I said, "I guess I won't be interacting with you anymore," and before she could proceed to tear my an even bigger one I turned around, grabbed my chair and sat down.
You know, there are just some people out there you're not going to get along with. I knew, from the get go, that this was one of them. There are actually others at work with whom I have trouble relating. We don't really get along and that is a problem in the sense that Fidelity encourages teams and team activities. If I were in New Hampshire I would say, "Great, well, let's try to get along," but I'm not and the resultant outcome is that I don't really worry about those things. This division and this group doesn't have team activities, we are not assigned to assist each other in special projects, and in the end, many people either feel very transient about working with Fidelity or are trying very hard to do what they need in order to succeed and get hired on as a full-time employee. To work hard so you can achieve a specific goal is admirable. Fidelity is an excellent place to work and I've enjoyed most of my experience with the company. And yet, there's these people here who don't see you unless you wear a specific color on your badge and those people, in Utah, give the whole organization a pretty bad name.
There's more to it than that. I am going to school come January and will not be working for this company past that point. I don't think this is a bad thing. I'm taking charge of my life, getting that elusive degree, working hard, and finding the right kinds of successes where I can have a career, where I am not in debt, and where I can check off at least one item on my father's laundry list of things I am not doing or have not done. Fidelity is a good home and were my goals to also include school this would be a wonderful place to work and an excellent employer to begin a career.
Not gonna happen. Not this year. Not in this division.
I guess part of the frustration comes in the form of schedules and how they choose to treat employees. What surprises me is that people in this division don't last long - regardless of employment status. Someone who lasts five years deserves not just the Fidelity pyramid and plaque but an award party. The reason is that Console, the ambiguous entity it is, does whatever it wants when scheduling people. Two days ago I was handed my new schedule. I start at 9:30 a.m. and get done at 6:00 p.m. This is not a prime schedule, for me, but hey, I can sleep a little longer. Much of my problem is lack of sleep. Then you sit and wait to see this new schedule come across the schedule viewer and the outcome is that Console (remember ambiguous entity) schedules you for whatever they want. No warning. No announcement of mandatory or voluntary overtime. They just put you down for a number of hours and expect that you, the employee, will kowtow and come in.
Sure, sure, you get paid to work overtime and if an emergency comes up (note the word emergency) you can mostly get out of it; but that doesn't change the fact that as an employee you are supposed to revere Console and what they do. When people talk about Console they use ambiguous language like, "You don't want to make Console mad," or, "Console won't like that," and the outcome is, because they can blame everything on ambiguity, you begin to believe that outside of scheduling and tracking schedule adherence, this "Console" creature has some mystical power that can alter your fate or future.
Computers and ambiguous entities have brought about the death of civilization. Okay, not really. Civilization isn't going to end because you can e-mail your resume to 100,000 people at the click of a finger, a large number and possibly unrealistic in practice, but true. The problem is that people take technology and then create the ambiguous as a way of enforcing schedules and enforcing overtime and enforcing what is unpopular because you cannot directly point at someone and say, "He (or she) is responsible." We've lost the ability, in a lot of areas, to find accountability.
Yes, there are people that man "Console" but they are merely extensions of Ambiguity. They are the ones who help perpetuate the Console myth. You can't fight console. You shouldn't upset console. And when you do, whatever console is, then everyone is afraid that bad things will happen.
I'm just frustrated. It happens. This is all coming to an end. I can go without sleep for a few more weeks and given that I am seeing a pretty hefty cost for my textbooks in January I can use the money. However, it means I have to deal with coworkers and ambiguity for a few more weeks and that is hard.
Fortunately I have an interview at BYU on Monday. Good things are bound to happen.