Joy in Nature
I read, late last night, an article about a guy who wanted to hike the Pacific Coast Trail (PCT) from Mexico to Canada and back again and had tried several different times; each time failing because of weather conditions. The article incorporated elements of the hikers life, someone he'd met on that very trail and become close friends with, and the breath and scope of their relationship - as well as the relationships he'd had throughout his life with his mother, his friends mother, and other people in varying walks of life. At 32 this guy was still trying to decide what he wanted out of life and whether or not working seasonal jobs was enough to sustain where he wanted to end up.
Maybe it was the lateness of the hour or the fact that I was a little over-exhausted from a too long day listening to little girls scream and disagree and run about before going to work and listening to big people disagree and run about, but not scream because you can't do that in a public place, to really feel anything but some semblance of connection with this guy.
There are differences. For example, I've never hiked any part of the PCT and don't know that I plan to ever do that. My work history has been more stable than his, but still, a lot of the jobs I've worked were recognizably short term. Nor have I had a 'best friend' who committed suicide because he couldn't handle life or the swing of emotions that mental illness brings. Truth told, I don't know that I've ever really had a best friend in this life. There are people I consider friends, I live with a couple of them now, but no one that I would drop everything for, would plan with, would grab my… well, in this case notebook computer, but in his, sewing machine, and decide to leave civilization for seven months to try the unattempted (yo-yo trips on the PCT).
My life doesn't revolve around experiences of sensory overload - but I do relate to them.
You see, lately I've had to deal with some personal issues that are not mine, but are still a part of the life I've chosen to lead. Fidelity didn't hire me and I wasn't that upset because school is important (to me) and I need to finish that to accomplish other goals in life. Getting on with Fidelity would've required me to drop out of school for a while and that's not really a good thing. There are domestic issues that I am not personally prepared to handle. In part because they don't directly affect me, but because I am an adult and have some adult-like responsibilities, I still get dragged into the discussions and problems. That's a part of living within a community and a part of a family (even if that family isn't blood).
On top of that I realize that my life has to change, that it is going to change, and I've consciously decided to give up on helping those changes to happen (outside of actively going to school). I am, in essence, just floating because I don't make enough money to do what I want to be doing on a weekly/daily basis. At once I feel writing is important (to the solution) and at another the kind of writing I've qualified myself for - and continue to qualify myself for - isn't… I don't know anymore. The objectives in moving to the East Coast were to find myself, to succeed and survive or fail gloriously, and to do it while living in a part of the country I've never lived in before - hardly ever visited.
The reason that I felt some form of kinship to the article, last night, is because I am dealing with physical problems, issues with work (that may have caused the physical problems) and to do that I am hiking and walking for hours every day that I can… and to a pretty great distance on the days that I really should climb onto the trainer and go directly to work.
What I've discovered is a feeling of solace and peace as I put my feet to the pavement and walk for hours on end - adding mile after to mile to a pair of hiking boots that need to go the way of the wildebeest, and discovering new and far more interesting areas to see and explore. Heading into nature (easier here than in Utah, amazingly) is one of those things that is forcing me to rediscover life and what I want to be accomplishing from it. I am seeing what I've professed to enjoy with new eyes and under new circumstances. Just yesterday I remembered there was a road (dirt) that extended from just below the road I live on through a forest and into another part of Pembroke. I walked it. It took 46 minutes up the road and just over twenty to head back down it. Tomorrow I hope it's clear enough to walk back up that dirt track (cart path quality) and then back around in a massive circuit. I wanted to do that the other night and didn't because there were time constraints to my doing things like that (like dark coming on and the weather taking a cold snap).
My goal, for a couple of weeks now, has been to spend the extra money on gas and drive into the White Mountains, ye olde Presidential Range, and hike up to a cliffs edge and try to relive the fancy and frivolity of younger years where Justin and I could pack up our stuff and go to the Grand Canyon because he wanted to see it and visit our uncle Patrick. We hiked down the Bright Angel Trail and stood on the edge of a ½ mile high cliff. It was spectacular and started me down a far different path than I thought possible, real.
I know there are cliffs in those mountains, I've seen pictures, and I want to find them. I want to hike them, sit on the edge, and contemplate a lot more than just that hypothetical egg I talk about. There's peace in the wilderness and I believe there is more to scriptural references of God leading his people into the desert (wilderness) than just to get them out of harms way. He is leading them into an introspective place (as a people) where they learn to either serve God or serve someone else.
Deciding to serve God isn't really the decision here. There's far more to it than that. Being physically fit is important, hiking is important, spending time alone for personal introspection is important (to me) and I can do that (sort of) in the neighborhood where I hike seven or ten or more miles in a day, and I can do it in the wilderness where God is in the plants and animals and where I can spend time alone with just my legs as support, carrying me forward, and with my thoughts as my companion.
I want a companion. I would love to have someone I can share nature (and the neighborhood) with, but that hasn't been a part of this adventure, yet. Maybe it will never be a part of the adventure. All I know is that along with quitting and handing this job search over to God and providence, I've also found solace in the wilderness. There is joy in nature.